It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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