Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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