someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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