fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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