T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
