I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
