just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
