either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
