The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Come see our sink grown plant.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
