i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
