I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
