We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
he was CRYING into my vagina
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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