watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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