Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
