I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
