Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Randomize
