Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
