Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
