Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
