I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
