My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
