well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Houston, we have a blender
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
