The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
