remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
