Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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