this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
