remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
