I smell stomach acid.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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