I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
