My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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