maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
