I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
