I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
