my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
