My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
