I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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