I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
