Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
