sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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