My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
