jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
