Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
