dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
