Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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