The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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