i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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