1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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