i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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