Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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