I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
