You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
